“Should I bring my child/children to the funeral?” is a common question from parents and other adults when someone has died.

The answers are important and vary according to the individual child and whether the child has been closely affected by the death.

If the children are school-age, ask how they are feeling and answer their questions about what a funeral is and what will happen there. Explain that their attendance is optional, and it is important to stress that although the funeral occurs at a particular time and place, children are not unloving if they do not attend. It is not their only chance to say goodbye.

You should prepare a child before the funeral in order for them to understand what to expect and how to behave.  Explain that a funeral gives us a chance to remember the person that we loved and to celebrate their life.

Other options could be writing a poem or letter that is read aloud at the service, or put in the coffin by an adult. A more private ritual may be appropriate for some children, such as visiting the grave at a later time and bringing flowers to say goodbye.

Remember that attendance on the day of the service does not have to be all or nothing. Think of different options, such as going to the funeral service but not the burial, or coming to the refreshments afterwards for a short while, and then going elsewhere  with a family friend.

Very young children (infants under 4 years) may not fully understand what is happening and may not benefit from attendance.  They simply may not have the attention span to sit quietly during a long service, and can become disruptive.  This can be distressing for the deceased’s family.  A known caretaker, friend or relative should be the child’s companion during a funeral service, or alternatively at home. This arrangement can provide comfort and relieves strain on the immediate family.

Take into account that various cultures and religions have different customs and practices, so make sure you know and respect the appropriate way to show support in each situation.

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